I'm happily single. I don't say that because I am trying to hide my true feelings of despair, nor do I say that because I am over the moon about it - I say it because I try to be happy about the way that my life is at this present moment, in regards to everything, even if it's about something that I would like to change. For everything there is a season, right?
It's also because I am watching this terrible show called Love Handles: Couples in Crisis about couples who are unhappy because they are fat. Most of the couples have men who are completely opposed to doing any sort of work to lost weight - or even to live - and women who keep saying that they are too good for these men, but still manage to have been with them for 5 years. This sort of stuff never makes sense to me, and I would rather remain beffudled by these situations and single, than get into a relationship and start to comprehend that madness. (I'm watching this show because I am overweight and have an obsession with watching people lose weight - it motivates me from time to time to go work out).
Why do I think that I'm single? Because I am looking for the equivalent to a Unicorn.
To describe me: overweight, dowdy dresser, at times inappropriate in public, moody, emotionally shut off, emotionally needy (no, those two aren't mutually exclusive), afraid of rejection, smoker, junk food addict, occasional exerciser, full time student.
To describe my ideal guy: any weight below morbid obesity, not concerned with clothes, well-behaved/ introverted, even keeled, emotionally available, independent, courageous, healthy, works out often, has a decent job.
So you can see why I am single: I want what I don't have. And it's not because I am a hypocrite. It's because I don't want someone who will exacerbate my problems. It's hard to quite smoking if there is someone else near you smoking, nor is it easy to get two people to want to quit at the same time. I can't be with someone who will encourage me to sit on my butt with them, watching tv or something else useless.
Though there are the hypocritical traits - I don't want to have to deal with emotions, but I want a guy who can; I can't handle a needy guy because it diminishes his masculinity, but I want a guy who is okay with the fact that I am a tom boy; I want someone who is courageous so that I don't have to be.
I noticed this the first time when I said I was waiting to discover the outdoors once I could find someone to take me out to them - and I realized that no one was coming, so I had to do this myself, and I did.
Typing this helps me realize the areas where I need to get my shit together. Not that knowledge creates action. Hopefully I can report something in the next post.
On a more exciting note, I went to my bar du jour, and interacted with a cute waiter who likes baseball, touched my shoulder, asked me my name, and made a comment that I was younger than I actually am - in heaven right now:)
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