The Grand Canyon

Two years ago today my life changed.
I saw the Grand Canyon for the first time, and I finally understood what all of the fuss was about.
I sat at its edge, and I threw my worries in, promising that I would come back for them if I ever needed them back.
I never went back for them (but apparently I did not put ALL of my worries in there, or I developed some new ones on the way), but at that time in my life, it made a huge difference.
I was talking to this guy that I worked with. I had recently been dumped and I needed a distraction, and he was kind of cute. So I forced myself upon him. Long story short, we went from strangers to text buddies to flirting pretty fast.
I eventually had sex with him. It was terrible. But that didn't prevent me from going crazy when he took too long to text me the next day. But despite my behavior he stuck around (as in he continued to text me). And somehow we came back to the idea of having sex again, even though it was honestly the worst sex any woman has ever had. Wait - does it count as terrible sex if you literally couldn't feel anything? I say yes, but maybe there is worse sex out there. Anyway, he started talking to his ex-girlfriend again.
I asked him to come to my birthday. He said that he didn't like crowds. Then I saw pictures of him on facebook, with his ex, at Knott's Berry Farm. This was 4 days after my birthday, 12 days after visiting the Canyon.
I finally realized that though I may not be perfect, I was above that, him, being treated that way.
A month after I went to the Grand Canyon, I went to Joshua Tree National Park. Within the following year, I went to at least 15 more places in the National Park Service.
I still have plenty more to see.
I quit my job in August, determined to have a career that will put me in a place like the Grand Canyon until I retire.
I love this new life.

I had a dream

last night that One Direction came to my birthday party, and promised to do a private show for me. To be clear, this is for my 30th birthday. I spent all day humming One Direction. I can't think of a better way to spend the week prior to my birthday. That's a lie.
Here are a few things that are a better way to spend the week prior to my birthday.
1) Glass side seats at an LA Kings game.
2) An ACTUAL private show from any of the following: One Direction, NKOTB, BSB, Collective Soul, Better than Ezra, Matt Nathanson.
3) In bed with a good-looking man.
4) In Yellowstone National Park.

I should also add that I aced my math test, so I feel pretty amazing.

I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo, what the hell am I doing here?

Creep: I keep staring at the hot guy in my class. I literally can't help myself, as he sits directly in my line of sight, in both lecture and lab. But sometimes I feel like I am leering. Like today - he stretched, and every muscle in his chiseled shoulder was visible since he is a big fan of tank tops. My tongue almost rolled out of my mouth. I am actually HAPPY that he has a girlfriend, because I wouldn't be able to handle the depression of knowing that I am too old and too fat to pursue this guy (my minimum age is 21 and he is only 20; a guy that fit probably wants to be with someone who doesn't struggle through her one and only 11 minute mile a day).

Weirdo: I have ranked the good looking guys in my class, and refer to them according to their rank. So cute guy #4 sat next to me both lectures this week. I found out that he is significantly mixed with Native American - which, in spite of my experience in Navajo nation (no cell phone towers so the people are cut of from modern technology, bars on all of the windows, stray horses and dogs) - I found this to be a turn ON. Then he said that he wants to be an engineer, which really blew my socks off.

What the hell am I doing here: There were a few things that I wanted to do before I turned 30. These included: quitting smoking, losing weight (so that I could be 30, flirty and fun like the movie), make more money than I did when I was 20, have my own place, and meet the guy who would try to convince me to bear his children. I have done none of this. And I honestly can't figure out why I can't muster the motivation to get my butt into gear for any of these. Though I will admit that while using the restroom I looked at the collection of fat around my stomach and determined that there was too much of it for my liking, and went for a run (the aforementioned 1 mile). So the motivation is there... sometimes. I know that 30 is an arbitrary number, and that I put more significance in 33 (because my lucky numbers are 6 and 9). But I never expected to feel exactly the same way that I did on the day that I graduate high school.

Ennui

Actually, if there is a bored that is more bored than expressed by ennui, than I'm that word.
Have you ever been so bored that you can't sleep? The thought of being bored is literally keeping me awake; perhaps it's all of the planning of things that would make me less bored.
I remember I was watching Celebrity Rehab once, and Dr. Drew said that boredom to an addict is really depression. Considering I am addicted to sugar, smoking, and being lazy, that statement has me worried. Especially if depression is so sneaky that you can have it and not even feel sad!

Today I came across the profile of a man who I suspect is the first boy that I ever kissed. We were in middle school together. I had a crush on his friend. The three of us were hanging out. Somehow I got dared to do it, so I did, right in front of my crush. Nothing came of either one of them. I seriously believe that is the story of my life. (Dear Universe, please end that story, and start working on the sequel: "My Next Thirty Years.")

Makes me think of a quote from Dr. MLK that I am trying to live by, but keep quickly forgetting, mainly because I am not sure how to put this into action:

"Those who are not looking for happiness are the most likely to find it, because those who are searching forget that the surest way to be happy is to seek happiness for others."

I'm going to look for volunteer opportunities.