Married Guys

Very last minute, my sister asked me to accompany her to a show featuring a cover band. If it hasn't been made clear before, I am a pretty big fan of live music. While watching the opening (cover) band, this guy leans over and asks me if I like them. Another fact about me: I can be pretty observant at times, especially when it comes to wedding rings; this man is wearing one. So I assume that he is just making conversation, and we start talking about the current band, then the band coming up, and our favorite songs that we hope to hear. He eventually offers to buy me a drink (which was strange and sweet at the same time). By the time the band ends, he has my drink ready, and one for my sister. We hang out at the bar, meet his friend, and at some point, he mentions that he has one child and another on the way, and I ask him "What is it like being 33 with all of THAT going on? I couldn't imagine my life like that three years from now." I feel like I sort of opened Pandora's box - he starts talking about how they have been together since they were 18, and though he loves her, he can't imagine being with the same woman from 18 to 80. My sister quickly cuts in and informs him that he isn't missing out on anything, to which I agree. We tell him that getting some strange isn't worth losing all of the perks of his marriage, like NOT having to pay child support. The show goes on, we lose track of him for a while, but then towards the end we meet up again, and he starts dancing with us, and I was just SO uncomfortable! Simply because I did NOT like the idea of a married man being anywhere close enough to touch me - at all! As we leave, he gave me us his business card. Then asked if he wanted to smoke pot (even though we had already told him that we didn't smoke).

Two things that I ended up thinking about that night:
1) At one point I had to walk over to a pizza place to use the rest room, and the delivery guy was pretty cute, and I realized that I am at a point in my life where I can date delivery men, since I myself am in a less-than-prestigious station in life. I think I am excited about this, since I tend to be attracted to uneducated men who don't seem to have the ambition to ever make a million dollars.

2) I can see how people are driven to cheat. I don't mean the guy who wants to experience new Vagina - that's obvious. I am talking about the woman who willingly enters into a relationship with a married man. At one point I realized that playing by the rules doesn't ever pay off in the world of dating. If you don't sleep with a lot of men, it doesn't make a difference. If you try to be a good person to everyone around you, volunteer, donate money, it doesn't make a difference. Being a good person does not get you a relationship. And maybe that realization breaks people, even if just for a moment, but the moment is long enough to end up doing something you normally would not have. Obviously it didn't for me, but I think I will judge "other women" slightly less harshly. They honestly might be disenchanted by the system, and didn't believe that they were ever going to find a good guy.

Random Musings

If Satan is the opposite of God, shouldn't he the opposite of omnipresence and omniscient? So he should know nothing and is no where, by that logic. And all of these representations of him having the same powers of God are illogical.
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My sister decided to join E-Harmony. Is it dramatic to say that I will contemplate suicide if she finds a boyfriend in less than 6 months?
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My minimum age limit for potential suitors is 21 - at the age of 30, would it be completely INSANE to date someone that age?
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If you have a food addiction, should you do your own grocery shopping? Isn't that like an alcoholic getting a glass of water in a bar?
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Isn't ironic that because you know you will be sleepy the following morning, you have to wake up earlier to allow yourself enough time to get Starbucks, because you didn't get enough sleep?

The Grand Canyon

Two years ago today my life changed.
I saw the Grand Canyon for the first time, and I finally understood what all of the fuss was about.
I sat at its edge, and I threw my worries in, promising that I would come back for them if I ever needed them back.
I never went back for them (but apparently I did not put ALL of my worries in there, or I developed some new ones on the way), but at that time in my life, it made a huge difference.
I was talking to this guy that I worked with. I had recently been dumped and I needed a distraction, and he was kind of cute. So I forced myself upon him. Long story short, we went from strangers to text buddies to flirting pretty fast.
I eventually had sex with him. It was terrible. But that didn't prevent me from going crazy when he took too long to text me the next day. But despite my behavior he stuck around (as in he continued to text me). And somehow we came back to the idea of having sex again, even though it was honestly the worst sex any woman has ever had. Wait - does it count as terrible sex if you literally couldn't feel anything? I say yes, but maybe there is worse sex out there. Anyway, he started talking to his ex-girlfriend again.
I asked him to come to my birthday. He said that he didn't like crowds. Then I saw pictures of him on facebook, with his ex, at Knott's Berry Farm. This was 4 days after my birthday, 12 days after visiting the Canyon.
I finally realized that though I may not be perfect, I was above that, him, being treated that way.
A month after I went to the Grand Canyon, I went to Joshua Tree National Park. Within the following year, I went to at least 15 more places in the National Park Service.
I still have plenty more to see.
I quit my job in August, determined to have a career that will put me in a place like the Grand Canyon until I retire.
I love this new life.

I had a dream

last night that One Direction came to my birthday party, and promised to do a private show for me. To be clear, this is for my 30th birthday. I spent all day humming One Direction. I can't think of a better way to spend the week prior to my birthday. That's a lie.
Here are a few things that are a better way to spend the week prior to my birthday.
1) Glass side seats at an LA Kings game.
2) An ACTUAL private show from any of the following: One Direction, NKOTB, BSB, Collective Soul, Better than Ezra, Matt Nathanson.
3) In bed with a good-looking man.
4) In Yellowstone National Park.

I should also add that I aced my math test, so I feel pretty amazing.

I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo, what the hell am I doing here?

Creep: I keep staring at the hot guy in my class. I literally can't help myself, as he sits directly in my line of sight, in both lecture and lab. But sometimes I feel like I am leering. Like today - he stretched, and every muscle in his chiseled shoulder was visible since he is a big fan of tank tops. My tongue almost rolled out of my mouth. I am actually HAPPY that he has a girlfriend, because I wouldn't be able to handle the depression of knowing that I am too old and too fat to pursue this guy (my minimum age is 21 and he is only 20; a guy that fit probably wants to be with someone who doesn't struggle through her one and only 11 minute mile a day).

Weirdo: I have ranked the good looking guys in my class, and refer to them according to their rank. So cute guy #4 sat next to me both lectures this week. I found out that he is significantly mixed with Native American - which, in spite of my experience in Navajo nation (no cell phone towers so the people are cut of from modern technology, bars on all of the windows, stray horses and dogs) - I found this to be a turn ON. Then he said that he wants to be an engineer, which really blew my socks off.

What the hell am I doing here: There were a few things that I wanted to do before I turned 30. These included: quitting smoking, losing weight (so that I could be 30, flirty and fun like the movie), make more money than I did when I was 20, have my own place, and meet the guy who would try to convince me to bear his children. I have done none of this. And I honestly can't figure out why I can't muster the motivation to get my butt into gear for any of these. Though I will admit that while using the restroom I looked at the collection of fat around my stomach and determined that there was too much of it for my liking, and went for a run (the aforementioned 1 mile). So the motivation is there... sometimes. I know that 30 is an arbitrary number, and that I put more significance in 33 (because my lucky numbers are 6 and 9). But I never expected to feel exactly the same way that I did on the day that I graduate high school.

Ennui

Actually, if there is a bored that is more bored than expressed by ennui, than I'm that word.
Have you ever been so bored that you can't sleep? The thought of being bored is literally keeping me awake; perhaps it's all of the planning of things that would make me less bored.
I remember I was watching Celebrity Rehab once, and Dr. Drew said that boredom to an addict is really depression. Considering I am addicted to sugar, smoking, and being lazy, that statement has me worried. Especially if depression is so sneaky that you can have it and not even feel sad!

Today I came across the profile of a man who I suspect is the first boy that I ever kissed. We were in middle school together. I had a crush on his friend. The three of us were hanging out. Somehow I got dared to do it, so I did, right in front of my crush. Nothing came of either one of them. I seriously believe that is the story of my life. (Dear Universe, please end that story, and start working on the sequel: "My Next Thirty Years.")

Makes me think of a quote from Dr. MLK that I am trying to live by, but keep quickly forgetting, mainly because I am not sure how to put this into action:

"Those who are not looking for happiness are the most likely to find it, because those who are searching forget that the surest way to be happy is to seek happiness for others."

I'm going to look for volunteer opportunities.

Apparently I'm a grammar snob

I finally got my first email from someone on this Internet dating site.

Where do I begin? His email didn't have one word spelled correctly; so though he was saying that he had a lot in common with me, this was hard to over look. But I really wanted to rise above the disgust that naturally welled up in me as a result of seeing poor grammar. Does it make me better than someone else that I find joy in following the laws dictated to me in elementary school through University for the English language. Eventually I decided that yes, yes it does make me better than this guy.

I get that some people don't care; but I am looking for someone that shares my values, and intelligence and good grammar are some of my favorite values!

To top it off, his picture was of him wearing an Eagle Scouts uniform, he hadn't filled out his profile, he actually answered the questions I avoided (asking very personal questions about sex), and emailed me a second time before I could reply to the second one.

So I deactivated my account.

On a better note, there is this guy (no romantic inclinations, though he is easy on the eyes) that I met in March while out celebrating St. Patrick's day. I ended up moving to the same town where he lives and have been trying to hang out with him. Tonight we actually met up, and I HAD A BLAST! He is conservative, so we debated all night. Kept it respectful. It was fun. And the best part was when the waiter came by to ask if he wanted another drink he said, "Yeah, I'm having fun, why not?" And I thought to myself, "If this were a date, that would be EXACTLY the sort of thing I would want my date to say!" You know, those cues that someone is enjoying themselves. I thought it was cool that he was enjoying hanging out. We didn't even watch the game that we originally went to see.

Please let me find that in DATE FORM, Universe.

I surrender

I am extremely vocal about my personal hatred for online dating. I used to be a walking advertisement for it - I suggested that people try it at least once. But the experience never felt good for me. Then my sister pointed something out - people are able to play up their prejudices online. She hit it on the head. People weren't afraid to judge someone by race, or a few words put online in haste, or whatever the heck else. And then the Aurora shootings happened and they mentioned that the shooter had a profile on match.com which confirmed another thing for me - meeting someone online makes it impossible to observe them in a social setting, which is very key to knowing if a person is weird; and not weird in the pathetic attempt to get more attention way.

However, my friend said that she was going to go back online. And now that I am in a new city, and surrounded by completely age-inappropriate men, I got curious.

1. I made a profile. I promised not to add any information, because I was just there to see who is in the area.

2. I added words to the profile. I promised this was for sociological research, to see if anyone would be interested in my words, not just my face.

3. I added a picture, because I wanted to see if that would help or hurt my case (since 30 minutes of research indicated no one was interested in looking at a picture-less profile). I promised not to reach out to ANYONE, as this was just for looking, not to find a date.

4. I reached out to someone. I couldn't fight it - he had a very high match percentage, his profile was cute and witty, his pictures were good, he said he was out of town a lot, and frankly the idea of maintaining my own time and space while still receiving some benefits of a relationship appeals to me. And then another one came up.

5. So now I am going to obsessively check my profile to see if they reply (even though I will get an email if they do), or if they visit my profile without replying.

I was trying to avoid all of this. But the fact is, it actually makes me feel better. I feel like I have reawakened hope. Because though I assured myself that love could be right around the corner, I couldn't determine the logistics, so it didn't feel close at all. Even if I sit here passive online, it puts me out there a little more than NOT being online. I'm not using it as a replacement for getting out of the house (maybe I will meet people this weekend or the next, or any other time that I step out of doors), I just like feeling that I have used my time effectively.

Maybe I Shouldn't watch so much Nat Geo

The aforementioned former roommate revealed to me that she had sex, after a long time waiting. Normally I would be green with envy, especially since it's been so long for me. But this time, I wasn't even phased. I wasn't overly happy for her, but I felt a twinge of excitement. However, I truly felt that I wasn't missing out on anything special. Perhaps it's because I can no longer pretend to want a one-night stand (since the previous post proved that I am pretty terrible at containing them to one night).

I can't help but to think of the animal kingdom whenever I think about dating: should we be MORE or LESS like the animals?

If we were more like the animals, we would never have to wonder if a man liked us, as he would simply let us know by mounting us. But I am still horrified when I see the mating rituals as it typically goes down in a fashion that humans would consider rape. It happens once a year, and you get a baby that you spend a few months to a few years doting on. You eventually get too old to breed, and you are left alone. You don't live too much longer after that.

If we focus on being less like animals, our population should die out fairly quickly. Sex is not necessary like food, water and sleep. It's the equivalent to recreational drug use. Choosing a marriage partner should be for economical reasons only. Your self worth would be determined by ANYTHING that isn't your ability to attract a mate.

If we went the completely logical route, would health still be a factor in choosing a partner? Would you still want to look for someone that will live as long as you think that you would? Or would finding companions become so easy that there wouldn't be a fear of finding a replacement? Or is love something experienced on such a deep level, that regardless of attraction, people would experience too much grief when the partner is lost to want to find a replacement?

Damn Movies

Movies have completely ruined my life! Not just because they parade around hot women that I can never look like, nor because they insist on throwing extremely hot men into my face that are way out of my league. I hate them because they have made my standards for a relationship ridiculously high! (But not the way you think)

Here's why:
I am a person who loves to do things for the story that will result. I always want to do something that is midly illegal, like tagging, because it would be funny to talk about the time that I went tagging, leaving out the part where I sprayed two spots on a wall that was already fully tagged. In college I met one of my soul mates in the form of my roommate, who also likes to make elaborate plans for hijinks. We used to hide in closets to scare people, drive four hours round trip to get to a Macy's, ask people to buy us food even though we had already eaten - just because. And I still do things like this now.

But the real problem is in relationships. I want to have a movie-start to a relationship. Instead of saying, "I met my boyfriend online," or, "His friend introduced us at a party," I want to be able to say something like, "He almost ran me over with his car, but asked me out to dinner to apologize," or, "I left my wallet at Starbucks and he came back every day for a week to return it." These are completely ridiculous examples - but the notion itself is ridiculous. I just want to meet a guy - it shouldn't matter how it happens! So I meet him in a bar? Ok! He STILL got met!

The real problem isn't that I will decline the advances of a guy who I don't meet in an exceptional situation. The problem is that I FALL for guys who I meet in these type of situations, regardless of my attraction to them. And then I try to push our meeting into a relationship, without paying much attention to the other human being.

The Holiday called it a meet cute.

Here is my favorite meet cute: I went to Big Bear with a friend and my sister to attend their Oktoberfest. When we pulled up to the motel, there was a LARGE group of men, which sort of freaked us out because they looked extremely rugged. As we were walking to our room, two more guys walked by us and I asked one if he was with the large group, which he affirmed. He explained that they were fire fighters there due to the wild fires going on in the area (at which point I am screaming out in excitement - in my head). I asked if he was going to Oktoberfest, he said that he wasn't sure, so I told him that he should. Cut to the three of us going to a liquor store to buy some small bottles of booze - we walk in and there are three extremely rugged looking guys already in the store. I immediately assume that they are robbing the place - which was very disturbing because I almost walk into one and he ends up being tall, red headed and very handsome. I was asking where they kept the small bottles of alcohol and he answers, "Right there behind the counter." I thank him, and secretly beg him not to kill me since I was polite.
Now we are at the Oktoberfest, we find the guy from the parking lot, he waves us over, and we start chatting with him and his friends. A few minutes later, three more friends come and join us - the guys from the liquor store!(Not robbers/killers, but firemen?! Swoon!)

Isn't that cute?! Well, it led to almost two years of wishing and hoping that I could marry this guy, in spite of the ten hour drive it took to get to his place, in spite of the fact that he drank more than I was comfortable with, in spite of the fact that we had very little in common, just because I knew my wedding toast would be EPIC!!

This is the problem. One that I hope I can get over one day. But it definitely hasn't happened yet.

I fall in love like every day

I'm happily single. I don't say that because I am trying to hide my true feelings of despair, nor do I say that because I am over the moon about it - I say it because I try to be happy about the way that my life is at this present moment, in regards to everything, even if it's about something that I would like to change. For everything there is a season, right?

It's also because I am watching this terrible show called Love Handles: Couples in Crisis about couples who are unhappy because they are fat. Most of the couples have men who are completely opposed to doing any sort of work to lost weight - or even to live - and women who keep saying that they are too good for these men, but still manage to have been with them for 5 years. This sort of stuff never makes sense to me, and I would rather remain beffudled by these situations and single, than get into a relationship and start to comprehend that madness. (I'm watching this show because I am overweight and have an obsession with watching people lose weight - it motivates me from time to time to go work out).

Why do I think that I'm single? Because I am looking for the equivalent to a Unicorn.
To describe me: overweight, dowdy dresser, at times inappropriate in public, moody, emotionally shut off, emotionally needy (no, those two aren't mutually exclusive), afraid of rejection, smoker, junk food addict, occasional exerciser, full time student.
To describe my ideal guy: any weight below morbid obesity, not concerned with clothes, well-behaved/ introverted, even keeled, emotionally available, independent, courageous, healthy, works out often, has a decent job.

So you can see why I am single: I want what I don't have. And it's not because I am a hypocrite. It's because I don't want someone who will exacerbate my problems. It's hard to quite smoking if there is someone else near you smoking, nor is it easy to get two people to want to quit at the same time. I can't be with someone who will encourage me to sit on my butt with them, watching tv or something else useless.
Though there are the hypocritical traits - I don't want to have to deal with emotions, but I want a guy who can; I can't handle a needy guy because it diminishes his masculinity, but I want a guy who is okay with the fact that I am a tom boy; I want someone who is courageous so that I don't have to be.
I noticed this the first time when I said I was waiting to discover the outdoors once I could find someone to take me out to them - and I realized that no one was coming, so I had to do this myself, and I did.

Typing this helps me realize the areas where I need to get my shit together. Not that knowledge creates action. Hopefully I can report something in the next post.

On a more exciting note, I went to my bar du jour, and interacted with a cute waiter who likes baseball, touched my shoulder, asked me my name, and made a comment that I was younger than I actually am - in heaven right now:)